Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Girls just wanna have sun!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
The best stretches are partner stretches.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.