If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.

How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.

Dog heaven must be missing an angel.

Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.

You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.

Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson

Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.

If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!

What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!

"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.

What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.

Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet

“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold

Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!

What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.

Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.

How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level

The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.

What should you do if a car is annoying you.

Give the car a head rest.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.

“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty

“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell

I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.

What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.

Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.

Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

You're a good egg.

Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.

Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.

Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.