It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
You octopi my thoughts.
You had me at cello.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
"Just one hot chick."
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I like your tight end
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!