“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.

You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?

If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"

"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt

I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.

How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!

What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.

I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.

Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.

Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.

Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.

Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck

What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.

How does a car tell you to get out?

‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’

One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”

What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.

What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!

How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.

Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key

My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.

Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.

Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.

What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.

Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.

Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap

“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty

It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.

Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.

The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious

“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”

- Judd Apatow.

"You round me out." — High Card Band

What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.

We were all sturtled by the incoming news.

If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.

What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!