Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
When are you going to invite me to church?
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"