What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.