What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
The sun is just a big space heater.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Avoid pier pressure.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
French people give me the crepes.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.