Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
"You bake me crazy."
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."