I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
I like your tight end
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."