I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"