Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Please, please me
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB