One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.