What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.

What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.

"Some bunny needs vodka."

How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.

Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.

If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.

I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.

You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.

I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.

What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”

Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.

What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift

Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.

If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.

Take a page from the book and leaf.

Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"

A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.

"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn

Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.

I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.

How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck

What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.

You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.

Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.

What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!

What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.

“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste

There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.

I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.

You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.

Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.