The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey