What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
My weekend is fully booked.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
"Sip, sip hooray."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
Look for a rainbow connection.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic