What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Get in the swim this summer.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Nice pumpkins!
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.