“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
"Here for the right riesling."
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.