My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.