Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
I goat this.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
Time to spruce things up.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...