What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.