What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.

Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.

I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.

Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.

Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.

I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.

What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.

Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.

Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.

Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.

What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.

Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.

Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.

Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.

You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.

“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.

You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.

A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.

What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.

Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland

Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor

Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks