Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.