What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
You’re my #1 pick.