Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
I’m feelin’ pine.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith