What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
There’s no reason to wine about you.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.