What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
"Sip happens."
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
"Eggs-cuse me."
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Water you doing on [date]?
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
You snooze. You booze.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!