The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.