What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!

My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!

Football is one habit I will never kick

"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown

"Have an egg-cellent Easter."

"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."

“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”

- Mark Twain.

What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak

If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

Me: Did it hurt?

Her: Did what hurt?

Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.

Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

"Backpacking is money spent on education."

Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”

A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.

What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious

What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.

Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.

My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.

How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.

When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.

"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

Organ donors really put their heart into it.

Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”

- Gracie Allen

What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.

How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.

If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?

Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!

Rock was magma before it was cool.

Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.

I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.

Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.

Shell yeah.