What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.