What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
You’re the queen of my heart.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Say it ain’t snow.
How about you and I form a binary system?
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.