What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
"You can't beat me."
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
Orange you excited for Halloween?
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."