Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?