What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Are you a red light because stop.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.