It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.