There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
You had me at ruff.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?