How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
So, is it my dugout or yours?
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!