What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.

“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”

Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?

What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.

Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.

Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!

Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.

What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!

What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.

I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"

What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.

How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"

What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.

"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.

Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy

Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.

An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman

Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?

If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.

What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.

I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.

I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.

Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?

I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.

The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.

The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.

You are my raisin to smile.

How do cups get their money?
They mug people.

Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.

"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King

What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”

I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.

Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?

why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.