Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.

What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.

The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.

What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.

“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat

What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco

Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great

What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.

What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”

We’ve reached the pint of no return.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.

I red a joke about colors once. It blue my mind.

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.

What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.

Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying

What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.

Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!

A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.

I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.

I can row a boat.
Canoe?

There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run

Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.

Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.

What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.

What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.

Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!

I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves

"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz

Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!

If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?

How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!

I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".

What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.

Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!

I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.

What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.

The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

(Shel Silverstein)

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.

What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!

How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.