Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.