What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Books are my kind of texts.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.