“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy

Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.

What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.

When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light

It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.

What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"

Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.

What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.

If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.

It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.

I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.

I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.

So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous

What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.

"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."

- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."

What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.

“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde

Love at frost sight!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!

I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.

Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.

When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"

I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.

What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!

I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where’s pop corn?

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad

What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.

Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.

In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!

What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.

Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi

"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand

What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.

The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.