This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
I give roughing a whole new definition.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.