Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
I love you meow and forever.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
I have a bone to pixie with you.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.