What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
Trowel and error.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.