Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Beer-lieve it or not!
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!