“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Namastay here or come home with me?
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!