I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”