Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Namastay here or come home with me?
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.