Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
Have you botany plants lately?
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet