What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen