Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
"Just don't carrot all."
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.