"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I think I found my perfect match
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Snow on and snow forth.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.