"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!