Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Can I be your next varietal?
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.