How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.

If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.

Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!

I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”

Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”

Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.

Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Hurricane

Hurricane who?

Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?

What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”

If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.

People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.

Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.

What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.

Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?

How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.

What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Hope you’re wide open on [date].

Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle

How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.

They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.

What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.

What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement

Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.

Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.

Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations

When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"

I would part the Red Sea for you.

What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!

What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.