Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
The huddle is real
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Can I claim your baggage?
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.