What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!