How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
I can be your travel pillow.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Don’t worry, beer happy.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
"Your kisses are to dye for."