I came here looking for a little tail.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
You are so right. And I am so left.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown