I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.