Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
Can’t pinch this.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Say it ain’t snow.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Some bunny loves you.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.