“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.