What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Let’s take an elfie.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.