Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
You had me at taco.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson