"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Calm before the score
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.