Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Deaf mute gets new hearing
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!