Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
"Love the wine you're with."
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.