What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!