My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Talk literary to me.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Beach you to it.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.