“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.