If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
You’re my lucky charm.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.