I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
It's lit.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Nathan compares to you
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Hello there, how do you brew?
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.