Life without you would be un-bear-able.

The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."

Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.

My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead

What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.

The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.

The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.

What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.

Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?

My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.

Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Amanda.

Amanda who?

Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.

If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.

Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.

I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...

This is snow laughing matter!

I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.

Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.

I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.

Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.

What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."

– Lazar Angelov

Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.

Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.

"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.

How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken

I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.

Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.

Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles

“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”

What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.

Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.

What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”

What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.

What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!

Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.

"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

- Oscar Wilde

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed