Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Are you a red light because stop.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Know what? I dig you, really!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Can I be Candide with you?
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.