“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!