"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Let's Taco about love.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
I followed my heart to you.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.