I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.

I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"

What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.

Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !

What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.

Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed

The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker

What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.

Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.

Are you undressing me with your eyes?!

I love you so fairy much.

Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger

What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc

What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.

How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.

“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley

What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.

When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!

Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.

What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!

Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?

What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.

What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.

What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.

You're one in a melon.

What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.

Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side

Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.

Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!

What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.

Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.

Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.