How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.