Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
We've reached the point of snow return.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.