How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
I think I glove you.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.