"It's wine o'clock."
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en