Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.