A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!