If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
I think we need to become better strangers.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Girls just wanna have sun!
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.