My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.