My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?