I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
One should always practice what they peach.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!