How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Want to go for a ride?
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
A round of Santa-plause, please.