"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
You seem a little mer-mad.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Reading is a novel idea.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.