I wood never leaf you.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”