"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.