How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.